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From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. Their once was a woman from Sidney.. Who said she could take one to the Kidney... Along came a man from Quebec and gave her one to the neck. Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candle stick. Great BALLS of fire!!!!!!! OOOuch!! A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. When I woke up This Morning The dawn was soft and still A little Robin came and sat Upon my window sill He tipped his head and looked at me his eyes so bright and clear He chirped a little melody My morning thoughts to cheer His song he sang so sweetly Without a moments lull I gently closed the window and crushed his #@*&! skull. There was a bird with a yellow bill perched upon my window sill. I lured him in with crumbs of bread then I squashed his little head. Oh me - oh my I'm such a klutz. I missed his head and squashed his nuts. Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep the sheep turned out to be a ram Mary had a little lamb Jack and Jill went up the hill they each went up with a quarter Jill came down with fifty cents they didn't go up for water... Jack and Jill went up the hill To do some Hanky Panky. Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!' And out came baby Frankie! Jack and Jill went up the hill, They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down and she had $2.50. Mary, Mary, quite contrary how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockel shells and one stuffin' petunia! Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To get her poor daughter a dress. But when she got there, The cupboard was bare, And so was her daughter, I guess! Mary had a little lamb Its' fleece was black as char-coal and every time it jumped the fence it used to scratch its ... Now don't be mistaken and don't be misled every time it jumped the fence It used to scratch its' LEG. Little Miss Muffet Crouched on a tuffet, Collecting her shell-shocked wits. There dropped (from a glider) An H-Bomb beside her- Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits. Mary had a little lamb, She kept in in a bucket, And every time that it got out, Mary would put it back in again. Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was black as soot, And every time that Mary stopped, The lamb stood on her foot. Mary had a little lamb, It had a sooty foot, And into Mary's bread and jam, It's sooty foot he put! Mary had a little lamb it drank some gasoline. Then it wandered near a flame and since it's not benzine. Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow. She walked past a butcher shop but the lamb went by too slow! Mary had a pair of pliers With purple insulated grips She kept them in her gladstone bag So they'd be handy on her trips. When mary had a little lamb The doctors were surprised but when Old McDonald had a farm You should have seen their eyes! Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear. I've often see her little lamb - but I've yet to see her bare. Johhnie Crack and Dottie Smail, Kept their baby in a milking pail. Dottie Smail and Johnnie Crack, One would pull it out and one would put it back. One would put it back and one would pull it out, And all it ever got was ale and stout. Because Johnnie Crack and Dottie Smail Always used to say that stout and ale Were good for a baby in a milking pail. To the game young knight, the maid offered her honour. Obsessed with her beauty, he honoured her offer. And all night long, it was honour and offer. There was a math teacher named Paul Who had a hexagonal ball. The square of its weight. And his pec*er plus eight. Is his phone number. Give him a call. Income tax is almost due And this makes me today Another shaking member of the I.O.U.S.A. An April 16 midnight dreary While I pondered weak and weary, My tax return dropped through the slot... But did I sign the thing or not? No creditors need call- The IRS has got it all. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie. Stuck in his thumb Pulled out a plumb And said 'Holy shit am I High!'" Mary had a little lamb, she tied him to a heater, every time he turned around, he burned his little peter. In days of old, When knights were old, And toilets weren't invented... You left your load, upon the road, And walked away contented. 'Twas the Pig Fair last September. The day I well remember I was walking up and down in drunken pride.. When My knees began to flutter, So I sat down in the gutter.. When a Pig came up and lay down by my side. As I was sitting in the gutter, Thinking thoughts I could not utter.. I thought I heard a passing lady say: "You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses." And with that the pig got up and walked away. If I had your picture, It would be very nice, I'd hang it in my attic, To scare away the mice! One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf policeman heard the noise Came and found the two dead boys If you don't believe this story is true Just ask the blind man he saw it too A month or two agao, you asked me for a Date. you said for christmas eve, by then you'd loose some weight. I think I understand that tinsel in your hair, but why do you have missletoe inside your underware? Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To fetch her old dog some cold pie. But when she got there... The cupboard was bare... So it took a bite out of her thigh. Adam wore a fig leaf, Eve none at all. The fun began in Autumn, When the leaves began to fall. Little Willie, in bows and sashes, Fell in the fire and got burned to ashes. In the winter, when the weather was chilly, No one liked to poke up Willie. Little Willie hung his sister; She was dead before we missed her. "Willie's always up to tricks Ain't he cute? He's only six!" Willie, with a thirst for gore, Nailed the baby to the door. Mother said with humor quaint, "Willie, dear, don't spoil the paint." Willie saw some dynamite. Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays; It rained Willie seven days. Willie in the cauldron fell; See the grief on mothers brow! Mother loved her darling well Darling's quite hard-boiled by now. Making toast at the fireside Nurse fell in the fire and died; And, what makes it ten times worse All the toast was burned with nurse. An angel bore dear Uncle Joe To rest beyond the stars. I miss him, oh! I miss him so-- He had such good cigars! Willie fell down the elevator Wasn't found 'till six days later. Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee Whiz! What a spoiled child Willie is!" Into the family drinking well, Willie pushed his sister Nell. She's there yet-- the water kilt her, And now we have to use a filter. Little Willie, full of glee, Put radium in Grandma's tea. Now he thinks it quite a lark To see her glowing in the dark. Willie, in a fit insane, Thrust his head beneath a train. All were quite suprised to find How it broadened Willie's mind. Willie on the railroad track-- The engine gave a squeal. The engineer just took a spade, And scraped him off the wheel Willie with his little shears Clipped off baby brother's ears. This made baby so unsightly, Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. Little Willie, mean as hell, Pushed his sister in the well. Mother said while drawing water, "My, it's hard to raise a daughter." Willie's cute as cute can be! Beneath his brother, only three, He lit a stick of dynamite. Now Bubby's simply out of sight! ie who is such a droop, Put arsenic in Granpa's soup. "My," said mother, "how distressing; Sister, pass the salad dressing." Willie, with a fearful curse, Flung the coffee pot at nurse. As it struck her on the nose, Father said, "How straight he throws!" If you love something set it free, If it comes back it was meant to be... If it doesn't come back..., HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!!!!! Birdie birdie in the sky, Left a message in my eye, As I watched him way up high, I thanked the Lord that cows cann't fly !!!!!! There once was hermit named Dave, Who brought a dead whore to his cave. She was missing a tit, And smelled just like shit, But think of the money he'd save. So heres to the breezes, that,blow throught the trees's And lift the girls skirts above their knees When the little boys see, He does as he pleases And that is how we get, Social Diseases . A certain young sailor named Tex Avoided premarital sex By thinking of Jesus And penile diseases And beating his meat below decks. A notorious whore named Miss Hearst In the weakness of men is well versed. Reads a sign o'er the head Of her well-rumpled bed: "The customer always comes first." There was a young man of St. James Who indulged in the jolliest games: He lighted the rim Of his grandmother's quim, And laughed as she pissed through the flames. Young Raymond was careless, they say, In planning his rolls in the hay; For his last bedded doll Was a Mob capo's moll - The result was... some holes in young Ray! There was a young monk from Siberia Whose morals were very inferior. He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a Mother Superior. A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from My spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. But when she passed the meat market, The prices did not please her, Tonight she's having leg of lamb, the rest is in the freezer!!! (STAR TREK) There was a young doc named McCoy Who cloned himself more to enjoy The girls aboard ship But he made a bad slip They all wanted the real McCoy Kissing is a crime, Hugging is a shame. Boys do the pumping, and girls enjoy humping. but girls take the blame, When he tells you he loves you, and you really think its true, but when your stomach starts to swell he says, "the hell with you." Six weeks of pressure, nine months of pain, three days in the hospital, and Jr. finally came, Jr. was a bastard, his mother was a whore, Jr. wouldn't be here if the rubber hadn't tore. THE YUPPIES PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my Cusinart to keep. I pray my stocks are on the rise, and that my analyst is wise. That all the wine I sip is white, and that my hot tub's watertight, that racquetball won't get to tough, that all my sushi fresh enough. I pray my cordless phone still works, that my career won't lose it's perks, my microwave won't radiate, my condo won't depreciate. I pray my health club doesn't close, and that my money market grows. If I go broke before I wake, I pray my volvo they won"t take. Mary had a little gram (er, I mean lamb) It's stash was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, They both enjoyed a blow. The sky was blue, the moon was high we were all alone, just she and I Her hair was brown her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted to do! With all my courage I did my best I put my hand apon her breast I shook and trembled as I felt her heart, She slowly spread her legs apart! I knew she was ready but didn't know how It was my very first experience... MILKING A COW! What did you think? There was a Redback on the Toilet Seat When I was there last night I didn't see him in the dark, but Boy I felt his bite. And now I'm here in Hospital, A sad and sorry sight, and I curse that Redback Spider on The toilet seat last night. A shapely young lady named Fern Puts out and is paid in return. "And my earnings," she said, "I conceal in my bed, "Since the ads say to save where you earn." "You may think me a bit of a cynic," Wheezed a crafty old geezer name Minnick To a gal of the night, "But you don't look just right, And I'd hate to end up in a CLINIC!" Under the spreading chestnut tree The village idiot sat Amusing himself By abusing himself And catching it in his hat A burleyque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science fiction And died of constriction Attempting a Moebius strip. "Here's to America, Land of the push! Where a bird in the hand Is worth two in the bush. "But if, in that bush A young maiden doth stand - Then a push in the bush Is worth two in the hand!" Susan Butcher loves her 'waggin' train And the sleet and snow and cold terrain. When she gets home From the race to Nome Alaska how long she's been insane! The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical! A maiden at college, Miss Breeze, Weighed down by B.A.'s and Lit. D.'s, Collapsed from the strain. Said her doctor, "It's plain You're killing yourself by degrees!" I went fishing one day, just for the halibut. All I caught was a haddock, So I went home and took too many aspirins, And then my herring got impaired. There was an old hermit of Ware Who had an affair with a bear. He explained, "I don't mind, For she's gentle and kind, But I wish she had slightly less hair." A reckless punk rocker named Tate, Got drunk before tying on skates. But he fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. There was a young girl from Peru Who was bored and had nothing to do. So she sat on the stairs And counted her hairs Four thousand, three hundred, and two. The hoodlum hides in the shadows,awaiting easy prey. Oh, see the well-dressed matron come pitty-pat his way. "This is a stickup, sister!" he snarls in accents brash. The lady titters and twitters,"But, sir, I have no cash." He feels her up and down then, he paws around and `round. She cried, "Go on, you scoundrel! but I will stand my ground." At last the search has ended. He snarls, "You're right, by heck!" She answers,"Please don't stop now...Ye gads! I'll write a check!" There once was a girl named Irene, Who lived on distilled kerosene; But she started absorbin, a new hydrocarbon, And since then has never benzene. An avidly ambitious aardvark commenced a career as a card shark; to the shouts of his foes when he dealt with his nose he said "smelling your ace was the hard part!" From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.